she said "things are sad, life sucks,
the duration of life sucks more . . .
the things we want but can't have suck the most . . .
but you know what . . .
Life is also pretty amazing.
Most days other than Molly,
my life is a giant stinking pile of shit . . .
but that one thing, even if it's alone
makes every second a joy and a gift . . .
I may sound like a bullshit Hallmark,
but I mean it.
Don't be so dark and miserable that
you chase away everyone that you are lucky enough
to have around you.
Seriously Ricky, I mean this in the nicest way possible . . .
and with love ok . . .
but you need to be happy and if you can't do it alone
take a friggen pill for it . . .
things are what you make them . . .
why have you chosen to make things so bad for yourself?"
and I had to stop and breathe for a bit.
because, believe it or not, I wasn't sure where to start.
I thought that I might do the usual, and start
at the beginning, but then
I realized that I was no longer really sure
of where the beginning was:
was it when I was born,
or was it when my Daddy died;
was it when I lost nearly everything, six months ago,
or was it yesterday, when the new job turned out to be
less than expected (should I pay them to work?);
was it when I didn't owe the IRS a basketful of money,
or was it all the bills that I just left behind in my old life;
was it when the tumor was just a little bump
or was it yesterday when it really started to hurt;
was it when I had it all,
or was it yesterday when I started to fall;
was it when I gave up one good woman for another,
or was it when the other cut and ran;
was it when I first cried,
or was it when tears would no longer come;
was it when good news is no news at all,
or was it when there is no one to call;
was it when I started kidding myself into thinking I had talent,
or was it when I started realizing that I'm just a hack;
was it when I discovered that I don't know where I'm going,
or was it when I found that there is no way back:
this could take a while.
January 25, 2009.
Copyright © 2009, Ricky A. Pursley. All rights reserved. Like anyone would want to steal this.