"I told you already, because I'm married. Are you like, a little deaf or somethin'?"
"No, I'm not deaf. I just can't hear bullshit. Been that way since I was like, 16, I think. Doctor told my mom that it was degenital or something, and there wasn't anything that could be done about it."
"Eh, you're a laugh riot. And it's CONgenital, not degenital. You might be confusing that with degenerate."
"Thanks. And sweet talk to boot. And you are slinging bullshit my way."
"Bullshit? You think I got nothin' better to do than sit here in this dive and bullshit you? Bullshit you 'bout what?"
"About getting' busy with me."
"And so what's bullshit 'bout what I said? I'm married. Fact. Not bullshit. Fact."
"Yeah, and I am the Walrus. So what? Married means dead, huh?"
"No, married means it is for him, not for every half-loaded dickhead that I meet in a bar."
"I am not half-loaded, but I can be a dickhead if I'm not careful. And with you, I can see that I am goin' to have to be careful. What I don't get is the 'it is for him' part, though. What, he is gonna to be deprived of somethin' if you and me have a romp?"
"No, he won't be deprived of anything. I won't deprive him. But I will know. Inside me, I will know. And then I will feel bad, feel guilty about it."
"But while we're doin' it, you won't feel guilty while we're doin' it?"
"Well, no, not while we're doin' it, no. But after, that's when I will feel guilty. Afterward."
"So how long does this guilt hang on you afterward? Is it like Chinese food, or a bad check?"
"Chinese food? Bad check? What, now you're talking in some code or somethin'?"
"Chinese food: gone in an hour. Bad check: haunts you forever."
"You are kinda funny, ya know? Kind of an asshole, but still kinda funny."
"Does that mean that I'm makin' progress here, or that you're gonna write my name and number on the women's room wall?"
"I don't have your name and number. And I don't write on other people's walls."
"I can give you my name and number. And does that mean that you write on your walls?"
"No, I don't write on my walls. I don't write on any walls. And what makes you think for a minute that I am interested in writing anything about you, anyway?"
"Because this is a big enough joint, and you are still talkin' to me."
"Heh. Does that line ever work for you?"
"I'll tell you after we do it."
"Heh. You are a real Johnny-one-track, eh? What if I say yes, what then? You take me down the street to the posh Motel 6, and give me something that takes penicillin to get rid of?"
"Naw. I give you the best lay of your entire life."
"Oh boy, there is one that I have never heard before. You should copyright that one."
"All I'm saying is that you should give it some consideration, that's all. Chance of a lifetime."
"Wow, you seem really serious here. Like you believe your own line. That's a little scary, ya know?"
"Well it's true, I wouldn't say it if it weren't true."
"Ha ha. True. I wish I had a nickel for everything I've heard that was supposed to be true and turned out to be anything but."
"Money? Are you talkin' 'bout money now?"
"Fuck you. No, I am not talkin' 'bout money, you jerk. I was makin' the point that guys say all kinds of shit when they are tryin' to get in your pants. This shit is nothin' new, nothin' new at all. What's that word? Clee-something. Dammit. You know, you've heard it before?"
"Yeah, cliché, that's it, yeah, so freakin' cliché."
"So, we aren't talkin' 'bout money, then?"
"No, I'm no damn hooker. I don't sell it. If I give it, it's because I wanna, not because I hafta."
"So what makes you wanna? What really makes you wanna? Lookin' for a better time? Lookin' just for some new, some strange? What?"
"I dunno. Mostly I don't look. I stay true to my husband. He does me alright. I got no complaints that every other woman doesn't have. It's okay."
"Okay? So okay is good enough? Not spectacular? Not out-of-this-world? Just okay?"
"Yeah, okay is okay. Nothin' wrong with okay. Sometimes, okay is enough. Sometimes enough is enough. Everything doesn't have to be like the best. It can just be okay."
"But deep down, when you really think about it, wouldn't spectacular, just once, wouldn't that interest you? Wouldn't having spectacular just once be worth it? Like you would maybe not have it again, but you would remember that once for the rest of your life?"
"I guess. I can't say that I've ever thought about it. But I guess it would be nice, just once."
"That's what I thought. Human nature. Everything's cool, everything's fine, but still, the possibility that you could have something unique, something spectacular, even if it was just once, well that's pretty enticing, ya know?"
"Maybe, yeah. But I wouldn't want to risk my 'okay' for one 'spectacular.' I'm not that much of a gambler. Never have been."
"Well who's to say there's any risk at all? I'm not talkin' 'bout anything risky here, just a little fun, a little romp between two grownups, is all."
"Eh, you seem like less of an asshole, maybe even a blue-eyed devil, but still, I don't need what you're sellin' here. Don't need it."
"I think you really are intrigued by the possibility. I think you are thinkin' 'bout it right now, and sayin' to yourself, 'Self, you should go for this brass ring here. Once in a lifetime, what the hell? Go for it, just once.' That's what I think is goin' on in that pretty little head of yours right now. Am I right, or am I not?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe. Maybe it might be worth it, but your bullshit about 'the lay of a lifetime,' well, that is just some bullshit that you try to use to pick up a new piece in a bar, that's what I'm also thinkin' right now."
"Oh no, that part is not bullshit at all. I promise you that. True. Every bit of it."
"Okay, so maybe I say yes. No tricks? No catches? No STDs? Just once?"
"Nothing but once. The lay of a lifetime guaranteed. I swear."
"Yeah, and if I am not so impressed after I see the movie, do I get a refund?"
"You'll be impressed, I guarantee it. You just have to realize that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and go for it. Live a little. Nobody's guaranteed tomorrow, so live for today, that's what I say. Live for today."
"Eh, you know what? It's early, but you are startin' to look better to me. Okay, let's go. Let's go so you can give me the lay of a lifetime, okay? Then I can go back to my life, and you can go back where you came from. Ha ha. Worst case, this will be good for a laugh with the girls."
"Deal. I'll get the tab."
"I'm likin' you more each minute that goes by, 'specially if you're payin' for my drinks. You're not so much of an asshole all of a sudden."
"Meet you at the door. Red Chrysler outside."
"Okay, but hurry up. I got some spectacular comin' my way."
* * * * *
"Oh my God, you were not makin' any of that shit up at all, dude. That was the most incredible sex I've ever had. That really was spectacular, awesome, freakin' awesome. I feel kinda silly for doubtin' you, dude. That really was once-in-a-lifetime."
"See, I told you. You are so satisfied right now, so totally spent, so freakin' happy that you took a chance on me back in that bar, a chance of a lifetime, that you're not gonna feel this razorblade until after it has gone from ear to ear, baby. And then, of course, it's too late when you realize what happened. See, just like I told you, you're never gonna have sex like this again. Once-in-a-lifetime."
March 9, 2009.
Copyright © 2009, Ricky A. Pursley. All rights reserved.