The Amazing Adventures of Gardenhosewoman, Chapter 1: Valium for Everyone! (or, "The Mudmen Always Ring Twice")

"Whatcha doin'?"

"Well I was getting ready to write a little more. I made lunch, ate, did laundry, got milk, and got eggs from the farm."


"Did you nap?"

"Yes, a small one; the kids. And it's raining and raining. I wish I had rain yesterday and the 60-degree day today."

"You should send them out to make a rainman; boy, those are hard to make; could take them hours."

"No, they would make mudmen. If it were warm, I would think about it, but it's 37 out."

"Oooooo, icemen!"

"Or really sick kids. That is worse than active kids."

"But if its mudmen, that sounds like a call for help to: Gardenhosewoman! Able to spray small children clean in one pass!"

"You are hilarious."

"What evil lurks in the hearts of the mudmen? Gardenhosewoman knows! One spray, and it's justice for everyone!"


"Good, I made you laugh."

"You are a nut."

"Yes, I am. I have proof; ask my kids, they'll tell you."

"Hahahaha. Mine are being very, very active."

"Well, that is when busy moms need 'SprayValium', the answer to overactive kids! Yes, just like the bug spray, SprayValium shoots a stream over 15 feet long. You can reach them without leaving the comfort of your couch!"


"And that's not all: order now, and we will send you PocketVal, the handy, pocket-sized version, absolutely FREE!"

"But will it work for overstressed bosses?"

"Call NOW! Operators are sitting by! (You didn't really think they were standing, did you?) And for overstressed bosses, nothing works better than SecretVal, our patented, palm-size squirter. One pass over the boss' favorite drink, and voila! Look for our money-saving offer on the back of Pop-Tart Cereal boxes today!"

"And what about those pesky telemarketers?"

"Ah, glad you asked: that is where our newest product, ElectroVal comes in. Simply attach the ElectroVal dispenser to your phone line, and turn it on. Each telemarketer gets a full dose, right after you say hello!"

"SWEET!" *dials the number*

March 7, 2009.

Copyright © 2009, Ricky A. Pursley. All rights reserved.

1 comment:

  1. Sounds like you need Flint-Stoned children's chewable Valium.