That's my Job

She walked into my office and the first thing I noticed were her
breasts, hooters, tits, biguns, mammalian protuberances, high beams, male
magnets, twin peaks, milky globes, her double barreled bazookas, her blouse bunnies, her fun cushions, her racing zeppelins. The sight of them inspired me to look further at her bootylicious bod., her form, her bodacious curves.
The full sight was so overwhelming I was forced to put down my beer, brewski, Milwaukee's Mother's Milk, 12 oz. curler, brew, suds, head, frothy
"See anything you like?" She asked.

"Yea, You know you’re really sexy, hot, a babe, eye catcher, sizzler,
condom date, doable, a mountable muffin, great piece, fresh stuff."
"Yes, I know." She got a little grin, a smirk, flashed her pearly whites.
"Look, are you a college student?"
"Yup, a Iibbie lander, a fluff major. That's my job, That's what I do."
"Good, I need someone to do some research, Some fact checking, some paper pushing, some file fucking, some ROM reading, some muck raking." She said in a voice so husky it could pull a sled, So rasped you could use it as a file. "You see I'm investigating a murder, an offing, a hit, a snuff, a rub-out, a quick trip to the morgue. You see I'm a private detective, a dick, a gumshoe, a snoop, a flat-foot. That's my job, That's what I do."
"So who's the stiff, the wormfeast, the grease spot, the roadkill, the highway pizza, the buzzard breakfast, and are you sure he's dead, six feet under, pushing up the daisies, R.I.P., offed, turned blue, Zombified ?"

She leaned over my desk giving me a good enough look at her double D's to make my inner child hungry for lunch. "You’re on a need to know basis, Now will you help me?"
At that moment I'd do anything she asked because I noticed I had Morning wood, a stiffy, a hard-on, a boner, My purple-headed storm trooper was wanting to badger the witness, My seamen were wanting shore leave, My soldier was standing at attention yearning for her every word.
"Sure," I lit a cigarette, a butt, a coffin-nail, a cancer stick, a smoke,
a cowboy killer. "I'm your man Friday, your Sidekick, your Tag-along. That's my job, That's what I do."
"You'd better be straight with me, on the level, the up and up, legit, for real." Her green eyes were so piercing if I turned sideways I could put an earring in for free.
"Don't worry, Sweetheart, babe, sweeties, chick, hot momma, bodacious flesh, dish. I'm with you. But I need some money, some fundage, some moola, some dough, some bread, some greenbacks, some dead presidents. "
She pulled out a wad, a roll, a stash, of bills from a place that would make the presidents pictured on the bills stiffer than they already were.
" Here's a hundred, a C-note, a buck, a Ben Franklin and there's more where that came from."
I thought "breasts that gave money that's my ultimate wet-dream, soiled sheets, creamed dream, slippery slumber, That's enough to make the Pope masturbate, jerk-off, spank the monkey, shake hands with dick, beat his meat, slap his Weiner, Hold the sausage hostage, Jerk his gherkin, do the Masonic secret self handshake, blow a load."
I had to stop that chain of thought or I'd cream my jeans, fill my shorts, shoot my gun, have a preemie. But luckily I can Master my Johnson.
When I stood to grab the bill she glanced at my Package, my rod, my
shaft, my love organ, my loader, my willie, my loaded weapon.
"Is that a roll of pennies?" she asked.
"Yea, Do you want me to knock some cents into you?"
"After the jobs done I'll give you head, suck your duck, a blow-job, suck you off, beat you up and down, You'll be my straw and I love vanilla
"Can I eat you out, suck your clit, lick your bunny, sip your love nectar, give you a tongue lashing?"
"I'll even do it, get down, hump, grind, the wild thing, the nasty, the bedroom backstroke, make Kitty purr. As long as you practice safe sex, burn rubber, wrap your package, put a safety on your rifle."

"I always wear a condom, a trojan, a raincoat, a Venus glove. After all I'm not silly I cover my willie, I sheathe my bomber, I shield my yield, I put on a sock before entering a box. After all I'm not a Joey."
At that moment I wanted to ride her like a dolphin at Sea World. I came out from behind the desk and was about to kiss her and hug her and grab her lovely buttocks, butt, ass, Fannie, buns, booty. Because baby definitely got back. When two men in white suits came in.
"We're from the psych. center." One of them said.
"You mean the nuthouse, the funny farm, the crazyhouse, the Cookoo's nest, the loony bin, La La Land, fantasy island."
"Yes" He replied. "And she is an escaped mental patient."
"You mean a Nut, a wacko, a psycho chicken, a loon, a scitziod, a basket case, a psycho hose beast, a few cans short of a six pack, a unit."
"Yes, and now we have to take her away," He said regretfully. "I'm sorry, but it's my job, that's what I do."
I watched her go and said goodbye, hasta la vista baby, arriva derche,
choi, catch you later masturbator.
“In a while, pedophile.” Said the love of my life, my number one babe, the girl who makes me go schawing.
She stopped at the door and turned. "lt would never work we're from two different worlds, Your from Earth and I'm from the Twilight zone, the outer limits, the upper stratosphere."
"If only you weren't mental, off the beaten trail, out of touch, if your silicon chip hadn't gone into overload." I said lovingly.
"If only you weren't sane, grounded, focused, having all 52 cards” She replied and like Tito Jackson she was never seen again.
I sat down depressed, crushed, toppled over, my heart smushed flat. I grabbed my beer, my booze, my elixir of life, my mental lube and got back to my homework because I'm a college student, That's my job, that's what
I do.

Believe it or not this was project I turned in for a 300 level English course, I got a 4.0 out of 4.0 on it.


  1. Small wonder that the Chinese are kicking our asses.

    But it is hilarious.

  2. My Professor said I was the only one in his 20years of teaching to ever turn in a paper with the word "Clit" in it.
    I wonder if that is still true.

  3. Ees time for sneepur!

    If you're not gonna sack it,
    Take it home and whack it!