"Hello, my online sidekick."
"Hiya, Betty. Fresh from fffing in the flex?"
"Nope, George's been gone all day. I did rid it of the carseats in exchange for removable boosters; I could keep them in if I need some 'extra boost'."
"Well yes, I suppose you could, but you don't want the kids seeing too much; when they see things, they want them; keep them low, and they can't see things to want."
"I was thinking of just locking the kids in the basement with food littered around; then I wouldn't have to worry about them seeing anything."
"Well, yes, except that's where the strip club is going to be, dammit."
"It's still under construction; I'll leave a small unfinished section just for the kids."
"Don't you have like a garden shed or something like that out in the backyard?"
"The Home Owners Association has an issue with stuff like that; I suppose if I gave them free admission to the strip club, they'd been a little more 'relaxed' about the whole thing."
"Give the officers of the HOA free membership in the strip club."
"We are unstoppable as a team; a freakin' laugh riot, I tell you!"
"We are stoppable if only by a mirrored reflection of our own devious powers, or possibly being hit by a Mack truck."
"Well that's why I have no mirrors and stay indoors."
"Are you a vampire? 'Cause that would be awesome, and would explain a lot about why you tend to creep people out."
"I could be, if that would do me some good."
"As long as you aren't one of those weepy, angst-ridden teen vamps; then I would just need to stake you."
"No, I don't do weepy angst."
"Thank God; although, if you did, you could be rich like that lady that wrote those tween vamp novels."
"I know; I am stunned by what sells sometimes."
"I read them; not bad, but I hate teenage girls like the main girl, and the vamp . . . meh."
"My idea of a bodice-ripper is: 'Hey, lady, just get a real man to rip your bodice.' And teenage girls are mostly a chore; I mean I love mine, but they were a lot of work, and number three is not quite done yet; another year or so."
"I can't wait; [insert mondo sarcasm here.]
"Well, I used to pray for the days of no diapers, and then they became tweens, and I prayed for a return to diapers."
"He he he."
"Diapers seemed hard, but they were so much easier; plus the good old days: put them down, they stay where you put them until you come back and pick them up; kinda like gosh, when is she going to start talking?"
"My kids never say where I put them, ever."
"Ten years later: gosh, when is she going to shut up?"
"Although the youngest has been in a box for 30 minutes."
"Maybe you put too much duct tape on the box. I used to do that once in a while when we played 'Hide in the Box Until Daddy Says Come Out.'"
"She did this to herself; she's watching TV."
"Oh, different game."
"I won't say anything to her because I don't want to set her off. She might try to kill me."
"Too small, no weapons."
"I like playing the quiet game. Have I ever told you about my youngest girl? She's pure evil: cute, and deadly."
"Well, yes, she has that reputation."
"She came over to me yesterday, and told me she loved me."
"Then later, when I told her I was going to make my hair green, she told me that I have beautiful hair. Five seconds later, she snuck up behind me and screamed. I cracked my head on a cabinet."
"She laughed and laughed."
"'So when did you start thinking that hurting Mommy was fun, little girl? And no, I can't remove the restraints just yet.'"
"I may have to hire you as their nanny. I gotta go, I smell something burning."
"I hope she hasn't set her box on fire. Take care, Betty. Talk to you tomorrow."
April 9, 2009.
Copyright © 2009, Ricky A. Pursley. All rights reserved.