Beowulf: Old English Bait and Switch

I saw the ads on TV and the badly lit pictures on the box advertising Beowulf, and I assumed what most people did, that it would feature Angelina Jolie as the villain that would prepare for battling the English countryside by doing naked jumping-jacks then jump on her hang-glider, still naked, and kill all the males in the town and then mud-wrestle the town’s women into submission.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

First off Beowulf wasn’t a movie, it was a damn cartoon. The animators spent long hours making sure they got all the actors cheekbones, noses and eyebrows perfect then gave them blank unmoving eyes. The result looked like the cast was channeling Jessica Alba’s “acting” style.

Second, the body they used was Rachel Bernstein’s. She’s got a fine body and if a movie advertised that she would be nude in it I would be fine watching it, but Beowulf went out of its way to imply Angelina Joie would be the naked main character.

Why they went through a got a body double at all in a mystery as the animation of the body was so poor it could have been anyone’s body on screen making me feel double icky watching the scenes with Jolie’s character as it could be a drawing of a sexy babe like Angelina or Rachel, or it could be a drawing of a ken doll with man-boobs there was no way of telling.

Approximation of the animated Jolie/Bernstein

Finally, in order to make room for the Special Effects (Special like some Education classes) they hacked away at the original story and got rid of a few things, most notably why we should give a crap about what happens to Beowulf. Instead of a tortured hero they wrote him as an arrogant, selfish, bastard that was worse than the monster the village hired him to protect them against.

If you must watch this cartoon make sure you get the Rifftrack to go along with it. It is totally unwatchable without it.


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