I'm in "an angry place" right about now. I'm wondering when the hell (or "if" is a more accurate descriptive of my confidnence on the thing coming forthwith!), I'll EVER receive the benefit of the doubt and the chances for success and happiness that come with it.
Yeah - that's vague. If you've read my previous blog, though, this does tie in. I mean, what the GOD DA//...DFJLMOTHER...cut...cut lut dfut kldut cdut cdut cftu ctu tcdutc cut cut cfut dfugt ctuuc u cuttt!!!
I'll at least stop myself, but I will NOT censor myself tonight! I will not do any editting of this entry, because I know myself well enough to know that if i do any editting at all this time around, the thing won't get done! I have fought long and hard with that spineless little monster that tells me ahead of time what criticisms await, and thus thwarts any and all effort to put forth a damned thing whatsoever.
And I'm even white-hot boiling with rage that I should even have such discretion be an enemy because I know for others it maybe gets them out of hot water. Well let me tell you something, impulse has it's opposite. And that opposite is pressure. When you wait and wait and wait and you don't know when the answers are going to come and you know everyone else is waiting AND WORST OF ALL THEY ARE WAITING ON YOU!!! - it's not an impulsive motivation that glides that knife over your wrists - it's the GODDAMNED pressure!!!!!!!!!!!!
But - when you fold under that pressure in everyday life to the point that you cannot answer simple questions or even make a simple decision - thus rendering you motionless in your car and silent as you try to answer a dumbass cop's dumbass questions about why you're sleeping in your car again and you can't tell him shit because he's already decided to nail you for something.
And then how the hell do you "advocate" for yourself when you are not the lettered-lawyer who has the alphabet soup after his name that declares he has such access VIA - VIA!!!!!!!!!! - his expertise - to the law. This sacred and special putrid pile of society's spewtum that is supposed to codify and idealize and represent all that is right and good. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO HAVE A PH.D IN JURISPRUDENCE TO HAVE ACCESS TO THE PROTECTION OF THE LAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And yet, the bullies in blue can write you up an EX POST FACTO chumped up no trespassing charge, when there is no law forbidding the body's presence anyhow! That not even being my gripe - a simple SPELLED OUT explanation or warning would have been f/ing nice!!!
Even a neuro-typical would have appreciated that! But, for me - not only was and is it an essential component of my citizenship and access to the protection of the so-called law, it NEVER CAME TO BE!!!!!!!!!!
I was inspired tonight to write this because a very, very dear and sweet and "till I die" friend of mine accidentally belittled me. She was explaining how to "load" or "play" or whatever a youTube video. Blah blah...she was going through the steps and then said "just click play".
I said "where does it say 'play'"?
"Just hit the play button, silly".
As I'm frantically and angrily (not at her) looking all over my screen for the "play" button, several minutes pass and she types in 'the arrow'.
Another several moments....then I type back, having almost "gotten it"...
"Ohhh!!!!!!!! You mean that triangle?"
That's what she meant.
I can forgive her because she's a sweetheart and would never hurt me on purpose and listens when need a friend and I'm there for her just as so. She has "earned a pass" to sometimes forget how hard stuff is for me - because I know she doesn't take me or anything for granted. I love her. Purely. No - not a wife or girlfriend or anything in that realm. But, yes, I do love her.
I can trust her and I can be vulnerable to her and I would (and have) directed that SHE be the one who would decide on my behalf, should such an awful time ever come, whether or not to pull the plug on the ventilator or life support or what not.
But, for the myriad arrogant slobs and jerks out there who judge sight unseen, I hate you. I do not know if I will ever receive justice for the despicable abuse I suffered at the hands of the Massasoit Community College Police Department and the Brockton Court system - which will "dismiss" the charge of trespassing in May if I "behave myself" and stay off of Massasoit property.
I've complied - out of self-preservation. But why the God/////d f// hell should I have to?!!! I didn't do a G//damned thing wrong! I NEED THINGS SPELLED OUT AND HAVE EVERY GOD-DAMNED RIGHT TO HAVE AND EXPECT AND RECEIVE JUST THAT!!!!! Screw your wheel-chair ramps and your braille elevator buttons!!!!!!!!!!!
No, no, no!! What I mean is not "junk 'em". No. I mean it isn't nearly enough! You can't just put a band-aid on SOMEONE'S problem and expect A.) that that person is living a whole and full and integrated and fair life now, or B.) That "somebody else" must have already addressed it - 'cause, Jack, I'm here ta tell ya, he *HASN'T*! C.) That "it'll all work out". Yeah. That's the mindset that's tempting some folks, now, isn't it. They think, well, now that there's a black man in the American presidency, all discrimination and abomination and segregation and humiliation has met its swan song here in the U.S. Nope. It's a wonderfully new day, YES. But the world ain't fixed yet.
It does not mean D.) That if you cannot see the problem with YOUR own eyes, that it doesn't exist in GARGANTUAN proportions, or that it doesn't or shouldn't matter to you. It matters to all of us because it matters to each individual ONE of us!
And a big and unambiguous HELL NO to letter E.) that you can now pat yourself on the back and tell us to "pick ourselves up by our bootstraps. Go f/ yourself for thinking like that. No - even better, chief. How 'bout YOU go walkin' around in them boots you think I got it so easy wearin'. See how you do with them straps for awhile, 'eh? Then come talk to me, you smart ass son of a bitch. And if you're still not on your knees at that point and eatin' your humble pie without a fork, lemme help you. I'll crush it down your pompous throat right past that badge you think entitles you to be a mean little prick.
Justice denied to ANYBODY for ANY REASON is an affront and a threat to ALL OF US!
I should NOT have to be rich to be represented and protected and heard in my country. I should NOT have to be "normal" either!
THIS IS NOT A JUST WORLD YET!!