A Few Minutes with Betty, Chapter 14: "Today's Guest Host, Betty's Sister, Tammy!" (or, "Stealing Old Peoples' Teeth")

"Hey, Shakespeare. What's shakin'? It's Tammy. Betty's feeling under the weather, so I am watching the kids for her while she rests."

"Hey, Tammy, long time no pester. How are you? I saw your status, and I misread it; I thought it said 'workin' it,' so I was just volunteering for the cause. Then I realized that it actually just says 'working', so I guess the whole sexual thing was wasted. You know me, always trying to be helpful to young women in need. 'Mr. Helpful,' they call me. Well, that's not exactly the term they use, but still."

"I would have preferred that as opposed to the ball-busting day that I had, AND I DON'T HAVE BALLS! And you are just as troubled an individual as ever, by the way. My sister told me you have gotten worse, and it appears that she is correct once again."

"Well that was certainly the visual I've always believed in, Tammy. Talk about getting in the way."

"Yeah no kidding."

"Well, no, further up, as I recall, but still."

"You really are incorrigible. Does any woman find this an attractive quality, or are you still irretrievably single? Okay, maybe that's a little harsh. We'll start over: how are you?"

"I am moderately well, although it is raining here again. Mostly, right now I am hoping that one of us is going to be incredibly humorous."

"It stopped raining here. And the way I understand it from Betty, being humorous with you is not exactly a paying gig. So you may be out of luck. I do take MasterCard, though."

"Well, I have just been writing and reading and writing. So far, we are a laugh riot. My sides are hurting from laughing so much."

"Yeah, so here, everyone decided to sit in a restaurant. And they picked the one where I am the cook."

"Well, we had three nice days this past week, and I worked in the vegetable garden and generally outside a lot, and it was great, but now, its drizzle, frizzle, and whizzle."

"Eew. That sounds disgusting."

"Well, I had a lot to write and post anyway: four new poems, six new recipes, a new short story, and I have to work on my next chapter in the book before those young hotshots get ahead of me."

"Damn, Shakespeare, slow down."

"Women tell me that all the time. Well, you know, it just flows, the writing, I mean. I wrote the four poems this morning while I was at the ocean."

"Oh, ocean is nice. And women tell you no such thing. They probably tell you to go away before they call the police."

"And the recipes, I've been noodling with them this afternoon. It was really much colder at the water's edge this morning; it always is. But still okay for the hour that I was there. But it has dropped ten degrees in the last two hours here. It's down to 52 degrees."


"I know. I was just wearing a shirt earlier this week outside. Well, pants too, but still. Now don't be starting up the car or anything. I can hear you now, yelling to Betty: 'Yeah, and he's practically naked in the backyard!'"

"That is so, so, um, what is the word for 'more than unlikely'?"

"I can hear you telling her: 'No, I am not stopping for coffee. Get in, or stay here, I gotta go!'"

"You are beyond delusional, Mr. Humorist."

"So I heard you might be moving to Florida. Is that true?"

"Yes, I am, in a little over a month."

"Or as I like to call it, 'New California'. Governator Arnold has been shipping all of California's weirdness to Florida, so it's the new Wild Wild East."

"That means that I'll fit in nicely, then."

"Where in the Sunshine State, exactly?"

"Cape Coral."

"That's the Atlantic side, isn't it? About midway down?"

"No, it's on the Gulf side. Near Naples."

"So, as soon as the kids are out of school?"

"Yeah, pretty much."
"Well I guess than means that I will have to start calling you RWT, instead of just WT."

"Yes, I am looking forward to being Really Warm Tammy instead of just Warm Tammy. Although every time you call me that, it creeps me out for some reason. Maybe because it is you saying it."

"As long as I don't have to name a new breed of mosquito after you, you will be fine. They are the size of hummingbirds down there, with beaks just as long. Some of them carry switchblades. The Cuban ones carry .22 semi-automatics."

"I know. Everyone wants my blood though."

"Actually, that's probably the one thing that I haven't wanted from you at one point or another. But what's one more bodily fluid among pals?"

"You really do stick to one theme, don't you, Shakespeare? The Impossible Dream, if I remember the musical correctly."

"So you are well and excited about going, and leaving the tundra behind?"

"Sort of, yeah."

"Well, you will have warmth, a better tan, and if you get a cook job, you will have better working conditions, since older people eat slower, so there's less orders coming in."

"You'd think. But I cook for old people now, and they are a pain."

"Well just steal their teeth. Then they can't eat as fast, nor can they complain well. 'Mnbnnnfogger, sjey tuuik mew teep!'"

"I'll give that some thought, Shakespeare. Listen, I have to go. Betty's up from her nap, and I have to tell her to get some new online friends."

"Okay, Tammy. Tell her I said hello, and I hope she feels better soon."

"Just missing this chat with you will probably do her worlds of good, Mr. Humorist. Goodbye."

May 3, 2009.

Copyright 2009, Ricky A. Pursley. All rights reserved.

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