Conversations with Candida, Chapter 2: "That Stuff Goes Straight to Your Thighs" (or, "I Am Drawing the Line at Snake Sex")

"Hey there, Mr. Humoristo, how's my favorite Anglo today?"

"Hi, Candi. I'm a little sore from all the mowing and yard work this afternoon."

"Well I am going to need to clean up the dinner mess in about fifteen minutes. I spent some time over at Angela's today."

"I'll bet you ate well over there. Did you?"

"A little multigrain pasta with plum tomatoes, garlic, and basil."

"Oh that does sound good. Was that all?"

"No, I also had a citrus salad with low fat gorgonzola cheese."

"Do you have something against high-fat gorgonzola cheese?"

"Yes, you nitwit, that stuff goes straight to your thighs. You would do just as well to smear it right on them, if you ate it."

"That sounds a little kinky."

"Kinky if you like high cholesterol, Shakespeare. Since we are reviewing menus, what did you have for lunch, a side of beef or a couple hams?"

"I had an Alaskan cod fillet, butternut squash and mashed potatoes."

"Oh I forgot, Angela gave me some of her famous mac & cheese. Yummy. Oh, and I love butternut squash soup."

"Oh yeah, chow down on that mac & cheese, baby. I guess that is the kind that just bypasses your thighs, eh?"

"Shut up. It is delicious. I can indulge once in a while since I eat so properly all the time."

"I can cook a mean butternut squash. A little cinnamon. Delicioso."

"Anyway, I put the mac & cheese in the oven, and made some chicken cutlets and steamed broccoli, and put out some French bread. The kids' eyes nearly bugged out. They love Angela's mac & cheese. But the chicken cutlets were all me."

"I lived on mac & cheese for years. Poor student days."

"I cooked them on the grill."

"Ah the memories: Kraft, five boxes for a buck back then. When you say you cooked them on the grill, how do you keep them from rolling through the grate and just burning?"

"So now the kids are all eating. Keep what from falling through the grate and just burning? They are big chicken cutlets."

"Oh, I thought you meant that you cooked the mac & cheese on the grill."

"You are the strangest white man that I know."

"I am the only white man you know."

"Not true. The guy who cleans my pool is an Anglo too."

"Fine, so you know two of us. That does not mean that I am stranger than your pool boy. And I cannot believe that I am competing for who is not a strange white man with your pool boy."

"When I had my first apartment because I hated dorm living, my grandmother and my grandfather rented me this apartment, an attic studio. I used to make Kraft mac & cheese with hot dogs for dinner all the time, and my friends and I would hang out on the floor of my tiny living space and eat right out of the pot, sticking our forks in and drinking Red Stripe beer."

"Well when I was a poor student, I only had the hot dogs on Sundays for a special treat. After walking through all that snow, barefoot. Ah, good ol' Red Stripe."

"The Red Stripe thing is funny. I found a loophole in the underage drinking thing. I had a credit card that was supposed to be for emergencies. Well, I used to call the liquor store, order the beer, charge it and tell them to leave it in the stairwell."

"Well you could make a good case for beer being an emergency kind of thing, I think."

"No one ever questioned it because I had an apartment and a credit card, and so they just assumed I was over 21. Yeah I talked my way out of that one when my abuelita got the first bill."


"The bill went to her. It was her credit card."

"Oh my. And it said 'Joe's Liquors' on it?"

"So anyway we'd eat hotdogs and mac & cheese, and smoke Salem Ultra Slim lights, drinking the Red Stripe and we'd play poker until the wee hours. So I explained the bill to my abuelita by saying it was the only place that was open late."

"Ah, the good ol days."

"Yup the good young days."

"I saw a big garter snake this afternoon. It was about three feet long; I think it was the mama snake."

"Damn that's long."

"Do you know how I knew it was the mama snake?"

"Garter was it like all black and lacy or red satin? Okay, I give up, how did you know?"

"It was wearing snake stilettos."

"Well then that would explain how you knew it was female."

"With a matching bag and shades."

"Or wait, was it a cross dresser?"

"No, and she winked at me as she slithered away. You know me and the ladies, Candi."

"Eh, it was the eyes."

"Yes. Even other species love my baby blues."

"Well of course they do. But then they get to know you."

"But I am drawing the line at snake sex. Nosiree."

"Yes of course those fangs pack a wallop."

"Well yeah, but I would never bite a snake."

"Like I said before, you are the strangest white guy I know. I have to go clean up the dinner mess, Shakespeare. I will talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay, bye, Candi."

May 24, 2009.

Copyright © 2009, Ricky A. Pursley. All rights reserved.

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