A Few Minutes with Betty, Chapter 19: "I Love Me a Good Organism" (or, "Penis Shrinkage at Cocktail Parties: Crisis or Hype?")

"I love thunderstorms!"

"Hiya, Betty. That's funny, I love naked women."

"In thunderstorms? How do you keep from getting electrocuted?"

"KEEP from getting electrocuted? Now you tell me. I guess I misunderstood the whole organism thing too."

"Orgasm, not organism, Shakespeare. Someone should smack you about the head and neck."

"Busy for dinner?"

"Just me and the kids."


"I was informed by my husband that he made a sale, so he's demanding booty upon his return home."

"I bet if I drove a Jeep you wouldn't have said that."

"Now I have to find some pirates and steal their treasure."

"I sold too."

"Not your body. Selling that doesn't count. My husband sold people a useful product for the improvement of their home."

"Nevermind then."

"I will be right back. Okay, I am back."


"Have you been smoking the crack again, Shakespeare?"

"So I am chugging along with my new chapter; got almost three pages done, and all of it outlined. And no, I put the crack pipe down when I am writing."

"Well that's something. Look at you writing!"

"Maybe snort a little glue, but not much."

"I wrote three sentences the other day."

"Well it's easier to be motivated when you have six co-authors. Sorta like a platoon with guns drawn. When you are writing by yourself, it's a naked woman of a different color."

"Oh, I love when I have naked rainbow women parties, so I know exactly what you mean."

"And here I thought those went the way of Tupperware parties; you folks in Virginia are so progressive."

"Not really all of Virginia. Just me."

"Ah, still fitting right in to the neighborhood, are you?"

"Yep, that's me, square peg jammed into round hole."

"Dammit, I know there is a joke for that, but I can't think of it. I imagine all the women will be electing you May Queen any minute now."

"I doubt it. I'm not Obama."

"So, not 'Most Likely to be Admired,' eh?"

"Not really. But look, I really care too."

"I know, sleepless nights: 'Dammit, how can I make those frumpy biotches LIKE ME MORE?'"

"Exactly. I cry myself to sleep, Shakespeare."

"'Maybe if I just lower my come-hither, Imma-steal-your-husband vibe, that will do it.'"

"None of these husbands are worth stealing. Enough wasting energy on those cows."

"Okay, new topic. You choose."

"The rights that men should have in the decision of abortion. Go."

"Um, not very many at all?"

"Sorry, inside joke. We were at a party and it got uncomfortable due to the talk of gay marriage. Someone asked to change the subject, and that's what I said."

"Ha ha ha. Good one. Made the gay marriage talk seem appealing, no?"

"Pretty much."

"'And instantly,' Betty said, 'I could hear every penis in the room shrink.'"

"Well, George picked up his beer and walked away from that conversation."

"Smart man."

"He does that a lot, especially when his brother and I get into it."

"Oh yeah; no need to be in that crossfire."

"He has the same name as you, Ricky, but he's such a douchebag."

"Those are headshots."

"I'm good at headshots."

"I know this."

"It's nice to know a Ricky who doesn't think that the world should be as it was in the 1800s."

"With three daughters, I have what I hope is the enlightened view."

"His daughter is screwed."

"But really, I have been involved in women's rights since 1972. I worked on the ERA."

"You are so old. I wasn't even alive yet."

"I know, that's why Michael and Meredith call me Dirt."

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Listen, Betty, I have to go cut some green beans. I bought two pounds, and am going to freeze some."

"You may want to consider having yourself frozen, before you fossilize. Dirt. Snort!"

"That's Mr. Dirt, to you, whippersnapper!"

"See ya, Shakespeare. And don't break a hip cutting those beans."

May 29, 2009.

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