A Few Minutes with Betty, Chapter 18: "Leather and Chains in the Basement" (or, "You Have No Idea What I Can Do with His Nose")


"Hello you blonde bundle of utter and complete joy and femininity."

"Wow. Are you high?"

"No, Betty, and I don't owe you any money, either."

"So what did I do to get that kind of hello?"

"Nothing; you are just terrific, and I wanted you to know that. Plus you are uber-limber. And no, I am way up here and you are way down there, so I am not angling for action either. Just had a nice lunch, and a busy but good day and am gearing up for a long night covering the Town of Marion's annual town meeting tonight."

"Oh good."

"Whaddya mean oh good? I thought you would jump at the chance for some action."

"Meh, I'm pooped."

"Just another Monday, eh?"

"Long Sunday, lots of physical stuff today. Just tired."

"Well it is grey and semi-rainy here, and not very inspirational. Be right back."


"Okay, I'm back."


"I love the way I excite you. I am also talking to Candida right now."

"Oh, how's she doing?"

"She is doing better, by degrees. Still rocky, but she is functioning at a semi-normal level. Her grandmother and uncle left this morning, so she is back to her routine with her kids."

"Well that's good."

"A long way left to go, but I am with her every step."

"Of course you are, because you don't suck."

"Well, I do, but only when it is called for, and then only in the best of ways."

"Okay, eew. Speaking of suck. George went on an appointment the other day at a gay couple's home. He said they were very sweet. Until he had to go measure their basement windows."

"Oh no."

"They didn't want him down there, but he had to go."

"Oh no."

"Only to find their basement full of chains, leather, tables with restraints, etc. I wanted pics, dammit."

"Yep, I saw that one, er, coming."

"He he he. He said they were so cool and laid back that he didn't expect it. Like when people go into our basement, they DO expect it."

"Well it isn't just straight people like you who are into BDSM, ya know."

"I didn't say it was. I still wanted pics. I need some fresh ideas."

"I know, so you could sell them to me and Michael. He and I spend years trying to get video from you, and then you just want to sell us pics of gay apparatus."


"And I'm thinkin: 'Where did Michael and I get off-message with Blondie?'"

"Call me Blondie again, Dirt, and see what happens."

"You are hilarious."

"Yeah, that was the reaction I was going for, Shakespeare."

"Ha ha ha ha! You are even sexier when your blood starts to boil."

"Too bad it's not."

"And your eyes get that glare in them."

"I'm avoiding work right now by looking up stupid things on the Internet and talking to you."

"I figured; I am used to you using me as an excuse not to harass and intimidate people."

"I should be writing. I haven't done that in months. Who do you need to harrass?"

"I'm kind of like those warm-up girls they hire in the porn biz. A fluffer."

"Oh, I misread. Nevermind. A fluffer?"

"Yes, a fluffer."

"You don't look fluffy to me."

"Me either."

"Maybe it's just your hair. Have you tried gel?"

"But I'm in the on-deck circle."

"Don't use baseball analogies or I will kill you."

"You are on fire today."

"I'll have to 'deck' you. My wit has been restrained."

"Now there is a pin that I would be happy to have stuck in me."

"I was talking to Michael this morning. That was like cracking jokes on a door knob."

"Yeah, as soon as I decided the other day to stop ignoring him, he stopped messaging me. So screw him."


"Meredith is apparently going to keep him, at least for now."

"She's a glutton for punishment."

"Well she has a lot of patience, that's for sure."

"True dat."

"But she and I have hit if off nicely. I really enjoy talking to her."

"Is that why you spend so little time with me?"

"No, I have three books going; this one, Conversations with Candida, and Stolen Moments with Meredith, plus the novel collaboration is in full gear."

"You are just a ladies man."

"We hit 50,000 words last week with the novel."

"Busy, busy, busy. Wow, that's pretty awesome."

"So we are on target for 100,000, in about a month, maybe less, to go."

"I'm 18 kinds of jealous."

"Well look, there are seven of us, only one of you, Betty."

"Okay, let's put it like this: my word count in the past month -- zero."

"Its much easier when you have all those minds and fingers. And you have had a lot going on too: three little kids, one big one, the work, the finances."

"Not really. Meh, I still have time to support my movie habit."

"Well yes, but that helps you creatively."

"Not really, but I do like hot boys. And hot boys who can act, nicccce!"

"You like hot boys if they just stand there, half naked."

"Well yeah, but this one also has a degree in English. And he uses words that have more than four letters."

"'Let me devour you, Ms. Betty.' Yep, lots more than four letters throughout that sentence. I see your point."

"Shut up, Shakespeare."

"'Watch, as my rippling six-pack moves to grasp you.' Uh huh."

"You need to get out more."

"Sure, that's what they all say."

"We took the cover off our pool yesterday. Today, we have a family of ducks."

"So all the dead bodies are exposed to full sunlight?"

"George thinks I'm odd because I was outside talking to them."

"Oh, ducks; nevermind. And I think you are odd for many more reasons than you talk to families of ducks."

"Gee, you really know how to sweet talk a girl."

"Aw, Betty, you know I love you."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"I'll be right back, I've got to wake mom up from her nap. Okay, I'm back. You're front."

"My turn to be right back, George is headed out to work and I need to say goodbye."

"Take your time and kiss him twice."

"I'm back."

"Okay, and before you say a word, that was too long for just a couple o' smooches, just so ya know."

"Nah, he left and then I went potty and got something to eat."

"So towel off."

"Then he called, and we chatted."


"And poof, here I am."


"Nothing exciting happened."


"His allergies are killing him today. Trust me, I tried three times to get some booty."

"Well I didn't think you were after his nose."

"You have no idea what I can do with his nose."



"Dammit. You say no too much. We need to find you a new word."


"You are irrepressible."

"You have NO idea, Shakespeare."

"I don't come across many Bettys anymore. It was popular when you born, but not in recent years."

"Actually, I was named after an uncle: Donald. My family is LAME."

"Oh no. Oh that is incredible. There must be humor possibilities there."


"Like, if you had an Uncle Fester, you would have been Fest."

"My grandmother wanted to them to name me Penelope Candace. Ask me why."


"So they could nickname me Penny Candy."

"Oh God, I should have seen that one bearing down on me.

"So anyway, yesterday we took the kids to the volunteer fire department for their open house. My younger daughter asks if she can set the houses on fire."

"Oh my."

"And I said, that's my girl!"

"I'll bet she is already on some watch-list."

"I think I told you that we took them to the air and space museum and she decided that she wants to fly planes so she can make things so BOOM!"

"Yes, you did; this is not surprising considering her lineage."

"George is tame. So she should only be half-psycho."
"No, she is a female, she has all of your estrogen."

"And she's the youngest."

"With that one little DNA stripe, the psycho one."

"The youngest child of two youngest children."

"Yes, lucky for all of us that she is a girl."

"Lucky she's a girl?"

"Sure. If she were a boy, you would have named her Kenneth Wayne."

"Unlikely. She's cute and small."

"Just like her mommy."

"Cool down, Shakespeare."

"Well I do need to go get ready for work. See you soon, Betty."

"It's probably inevitable. Bye."

March 16, 2010.

Copyright © 2010, Ricky A. Pursley. All rights reserved.

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