A Few Minutes with Betty, Chapter 17: "I Love Me Some Hot Boy" (or, "If You Eat Glass, Use Hot Sauce")

"I have returned."

"Hiya, Betty. What are you wearing?"


"Good choice; ha ha ha ha. Boy, did I walk into that one."

"Of course you did. Okay, I have a crush on a young movie star. I feel like I'm 12."

"Oh my; who is it?"

"Nope, not sharing. He's about 28 and very, very attractive. I feel like I'm trying to rob the cradle."

"So he's like four or five years younger than you, and that's robbing the cradle? That makes me a pedophile then; Jody was 19 years younger than me."

"He is like six years younger than me. And no, that one made you a pervert. But you already knew that."

"Well I have a membership card and all."

"I like hot boys with boy eyes."

"So what's with not sharing? We share everything except undies and toothbrushes."

"Good thing. I don't wear undies."

"It certainly is."

"Sorry, my phone is ringing off the hook. When you stop paying bills they really pester you."

"It's all them 28 year old movie stars who just read on the internet that you are a 'constant commando'."

"I wish. Especially if it's my hot boy."

"If it is, I want v-i-d-e-o."

"If I got a chunk of hot boy, I would certainly have that on video."
"Although I suppose you could just smile the whole way through."

"Oh, I have to go see if he is tall. George will be SOL if he is."

"Ha ha! I'm tall."

"Come on, six feet? But are you 28?"

"Yeah; and I'm almost twice 28."

"Oh, he's six foot one!"

"He's two, two, two men in one!"

"I would snap this kid in half were I to get my hands on him."

"Boy your engines are revved this afternoon; something in the oatmeal this morning?"

"George had to 'work' this morning. So I'm in a mood."

"Why the quotes?"

"I think he was afraid I would hurt him."

"Wow; if you could somehow bottle that, what a market!"

"I would be RICH."


"I would be good at being rich."

"Wow, when the kids go to bed tonight, he's in for it."

"He totally is. And he made a big sale last night. That also turns me on. Plus I found hot boy on SNL and am watching it on YouTube. HOT!"

"I can tell; steam is rising from my monitor every time you type."

"It doesn't help that my Aunt Flo just left from her monthly visit."

"And I hear your little pheromone chorus in the background singing 'take us, take us, take us'."


"Oh good ol' Aunt Florence. I know her well. I used to buy pads and cigars by the case."

"It's really bad when I try to negotiate with him: give me just 15 minutes? Ten? How about five, and you can keep working?"

"That is so sad."

"I know. Sigh."

"But see, he is driven to return you all to financial security."

"I know."

"He has committed himself completely to that goal."

"I KNOW. AHHHH! This is why I NEED hot boy."

"Damn woman, you almost came through the freakin screen with that one. Is there a big red X painted on your roof too?"

"If I could leave the kids here and go to the movies alone, I could at least look at him. Of course there is."

"Well I sure wish there was something I could do to, er, help you, Betty."

"That's okay. I'll have it taken care of."

"You are hilarious."

"You have no idea, Shakespeare. I cannot stop moving around. I have all this built up energy."

"Of course; idle hands and all that."

"I ran 5 miles this morning; 100 sit ups, and jumping rope. It didn't help."

"Good lord, you may just burn a hole right through George tonight. Have you tried chewing through the dining room table yet?"

"It's glass; three inches thick. That would hurt."

"Use mustard."

"Hot sauce."

"There you go; plus, I am betting that it would melt as you approached anyway."

"I am hot. HOT! I need hot boy."

"I can see that."

"My short, brown-eyed hot boy left early for work today."

"At this rate, you might need two; you should see if he has a brother."

"Good idea, Shakespeare."

"That's me, the good idea man. And I don't mean George, I mean the movie star. We know that George has a brother."

"George has five brothers. And all five are ICK."

"That's actually a relief; although a video with six brothers . . . ."

"Let me look up hot boy. He has a sister. At this point, I'd do her."


"I saw that coming, you perv."

"Well I don't usually have that problem; sorry."


"Oh shut up."

"You shut up, old man."

"I knew it was only a matter of time before you threw that one at me. As I have told you before, I prefer 18 with 37 years of experience."

"Meh, being 18 sucks. Better is 28 and hot. That's the place to be."

"Well that reads even better, 28 with 27 years of experience. That may need to go on the business card."

"Just make sure it's tasteful."

"Of course, I am all about my target demo."


"Why are you growling?"


"Frustrated about what? No nasty?"

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes."

"It's just a few more hours."

"He could be out until midnight."


"He came home last night at 11:30."

"Oh you will not make it until midnight."

"I watched a movie with hot boy to get in the mood. And he didn't feel well since he didn't have a chance to eat, so I let him go. I didn't want to break him."

"Of course not; milk the cow, don't shoot it."

"At this point, dead cow sounds good."

"This is a crisis. We have to think. Don't you have a bunny? Maybe time with a bunny would tide you over."

"I could skin it and make it a purse."

"Not that kind of bunny. The kind of bunny that you hide on the top shelf of the closet."

"I would were my children not here. And sorry, but eventually, Betty needs the real deal."

"Well there's the bathroom, and I know its a poor substitute, but we are trying to avoid a meltdown here."

"Keep thinking until you come up with a useful idea, Shakespeare. I am going to go watch the hot boy movie again."

"Okay, good luck, Betty."

February 21, 2010.

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