A Few Minutes with Betty, Chapter 16: "Fish Spit Dreaming" (or, "I Don't Want Hamhocks for Thighs")

"Happy Tuesday!"

"Hiya, Betty. It's only happy because the rain did not drown me; I fooled it and stayed inside. How are you uber hottie?"

"You are one smart cookie. I'm good. Busy, busy. I had a killer headache, but it's gone."

"Ah, sent him to work in the yard?"

"Ha, ha. Nah, I was chasing the kids around in the yard and suddenly felt like poo."

"Actually, I guess this is when he goes out to sell things."

"He's not my headache. I like him lately. And he's cute. I like hot boys."

"Well that part is not news. You have always liked hot boys. It's in your genes. And your jeans."

"Snort. George didn't come home until 12 last night. I went to bed without him, and woke up to him trying to get in my pants."

"Now that is nice. No wonder you are liking him. I would like him. Who wouldn't like him?"

"I have no idea."

"Well, hopefully the waitresses at IHOP will turn away. Some of them are little hotties. Oh, and Mr. Happygolucky has tried to IM me twice today, but i am ignoring him. My version of Meredith denying him sex. Punishment for a day, before I bitch slap him silly."

"Oh boy fight! Can I tape it and post it on youtube?"

"You are such an effin voyeur sometimes."

"Yeah. What's your point?"

"Ha ha. You are great."

"I know. More people should know it too. Oh, I'm writing a screenplay."

"I took out the ads with Google like you said. A screenplay? Cool."

"It's in response to one of my friends stating that there is nothing original in the movies lately."

"Well I haven't been to the movies since early 2007, so I'm not a good judge."

"She was telling me that she hates me because I loved Star Trek, and that it's just remake crap. So you wanna hear my pitch for a movie?"

"Yes, or for anything; movie first. If you do well with the movie pitch, we can move on from there."

"Slumdog millionaire meets Star Wars set on an 1840s wagon train to Utah between vampires as the main character including lots of sex and violence too. And defiance of authority and some alternate reality."

"I like your idea. Talk about selling tickets."

"I was talking to a friend actually and that's what he and I came up with. Then he told me I was a retarded monkey."

"Artsy-indy space cowboy urban vampy sex bang bang boom boom effyouse mindbender. Tough to fit on the marquee, but still. Artsy-Indy Space Cowboy Urban Vampy Sex Bang Bang Boom Boom Effyouse Mindbender Movie. Short title: Fish Spit Dreaming."

"See, you are a retarded monkey too. Oh, I think Michael is feeling the burn. I just got an IM: 'Why won't you all talk to me? Do I smell of death and moth balls?'"

"Well good, something has to rattle his effin cage and knock it down to the ground. 'Um, you seem pissed at me.' 'Uh, yeah, you moron. You treat yourself like shit, which is your choice. But that spills over to that loving wife and those two little girls, and for that you get no freakin passes, just detention. Or words to that effect."

"I went off on him yesterday, and he feels bad. But feeling bad isn't enough. Hello? hello . . . hello echo echo."


"Where did you go?"

"I forgot you were here."

"Gee, thanks. I'll bet that gets you lots of women."

"I was reading Scott's new chapter for the novel. Sorry."

"Whatever. I'll just sit over here and weep."

"We are past 50K words now."

"Wow. Impressive."

"And boogying along."

"Even if you suck."

"Yes, but I suck well. Check the rest stop walls."

"I refuse to pee in places like that."

"Why? It's just pee."


"Can't you just hover?"

"I could."

"You're young and strong. And acrobatic."

"But why should I?"

"Great video, that's why: 'Dude, look at the thighs on that one! Nothin but effin muscle there, bro.'"

"I don't want hamhocks for thighs."

"'Dude, she could snap you in half. Yeah, sure, dude, but look at los ojos. Man, that is one uber hot mama. She could snap me in half, man. Whatta way to go.'"

"You have too many people living in your head, Shakespeare."

"I know; talk about a crowded house."

"Get a cattle prod and wrangle those people in."

"I don't know if giving them pleasure will prompt them to leave."

"You are so sick."

"Well, I prefer twisted, but still, I get your point. I think it's mostly the way I am unwired."

"They have medication for that. As long as you remember to take it."

"Yeah, like our fallen archangel. He may be under the doghouse this time. She said the last time he pulled one of these he was gone for two weeks."

"Well he dug that hole."

"Which was followed closely by their divorce."

"Yeah, I know that story."

"I was going to tell her that if she wants to off him, that I would move down there and be a good daddy to the girls. Then I thought, no, if she will off him, she would off me too."

"Ha ha ha."

"So I'm going to stay here."


"And I am probably almost as offable as he is. Almost."

"I hate to tell you, but all you men are offable."

"Oh stop it."

"No almost about it."

"What would you do without us?"

"Shall I start a list?"

"Who would there be to make you constantly feel smarter?"

"Stupid girls."

"Okay, how about getting the old 'youknow' taken care of?"

"Should I draw you a picture?"

"I just know it would include a small bunny, so no, I will pass on the diagrams."

"See, look, you men can be taught."

"Taught what?"

"Beats me, Shakespeare, I was just trying to be nice. I'll be right back."

"I won't forget about you this time. You are the only woman on whom I shall focus. I swear it, Mary. I mean, um, wait . . . oh, yeah, Betty. Betty? Betty? Well look who forgot who now. I guess turnabout is fair play."

January 17, 2010.

Copyright © 2010, Ricky A. Pursley. All rights reserved.

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